Oh, ya’ll. I have taken the hot mess mom life and glammed it up with the help of my newest friend, insomnia.
Where are my fellow hot mess insomniacs at?
Counting sheep? Sucking down caffeine just to make it through the last hour of work? Stocking up on snacks that can be eaten in the middle of the night without waking your spouse? (I recommend Little Debbies – just take the wrapper off before you crawl back into bed.)
I know with absolute certainty what I and my fellow insomniacs are not doing – we’re not getting some good old-fashioned shut eye.
Going for the Gold
I am not sure if you’re aware of this, but if we have ever met in person, then you were in the presence of Almost-Olympic Greatness. It’s a completely unknown fact that in the late 80’s, early 90’s, the Olympic Committee considered adding Competitive Sleeping to their repertoire, and let me tell you, if they had not decided at the last minute that it would have been difficult to wake the fan base for a Sleep-a-thon, I would have rocked my gold medals.
Not to brag, but sleep is my thing. My one thing I am exceptionally good at. Or at least… I was.
I’m still not sure what happened. One day I am able to nap so hard, I wake up convinced I missed the bus and I’m about to be late for third grade. Then one blink later and I’m lying awake at 3 am counting the swirling blades of the ceiling fan, wondering if it’s physically possible to knock myself out with the cast iron skillet in the kitchen. (I’m 70% sure I could pull it off. I’m held back by the remaining 30% that fears a concussion. But that voice gets quieter each night; desperation is a powerful motivator.)
The Worse It Gets… The Worse It Gets
All joking aside, this season has been brutal. Sleep cannot be forced. I’m starting to believe that there’s an element of insomnia that’s mental because the worse it gets… the worse it gets. I cannot shut off my thoughts, and the more my thoughts cycle and swirl, the deeper the anxiety and despair settles into my heart. This is not a season of life for which I was prepared. And on top of a global pandemic and social unrest? It’s a recipe for a wilderness season if I’ve ever experienced one.
I was pondering wilderness seasons last night – at 3 am, the hour at which my mental clarity is ironically at its highest – and it brought to mind a podcast that I had listened to several weeks ago. I have included a link to the podcast at the bottom of this post because the premise of this post will follow the premise of the podcast. If you have the time, it is definitely worth a listen. Pastor Dharius Daniels speaks about the provisions of God and how they don’t always look like we expect them to. In the world in which we find ourselves today, I would wager that this message is relatable to more people than just me. The setting for this particular sermon is a familiar one: The Old Testament Israelites are in their wilderness season and grumbling about the lack of provisions. As we have discussed in previous posts, the Israelites have been nomadic hot messes, so their groaning and complaining is absolutely par for the course.
They set out from Elim, and all the congregation of Israel came to the Wilderness of Sin which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they left the land of Egypt. The whole congregation of Israelites [grew discontented and] murmured and rebelled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, and the Israelites said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and ate bread until we were full; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this entire assembly with hunger.”
Exodus 16:1-3
The Wilderness of “Seen”
In my research for this post, I discovered two interesting tidbits about these verses that are so good that I don’t want them to be missed. First, while the Wilderness of Sin sounds ominous, this “Sin” is actually pronounced “seen” in Hebrew and has no relation to the word “sin.” In essence, the Israelites are wandering in the Wilderness of Seen. Nothing, absolutely no details, in the Bible are coincidental and it calms this insomniac’s heart to know that even in the wilderness, when I feel stuck in a valley between where I’ve been and where I’m headed, I am seen by God. Take heart, friends, we are in the Wilderness of Seen and never for a moment are our circumstances out of God’s sight. Second, I love the background information I found specifically for Exodus 16:3:
Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt!
Exodus 16:3
Drama Queen in the Wilderness of Seen
Am I the only one who reads that verse and pictures a sixteen-year-old girl who has just been asked to wash a load of dishes by hand? She’s slumped on her bed, head thrown back, forearm over her forehead, crocodile tears streaming down her face… Not that I have ever done that. No, nope. But let’s say (wholly for the sake of discussion of course) that I could relate to that sixteen year old drama queen, then perhaps I could also relate to the Israelites as described in this little gem, a side reference from the Amplified version of Exodus 16:3:
To understand Israel’s rebellious behavior, it is important to grasp the contrast between life in Egypt and nomadic life in the wilderness. Despite the hardships of slavery survival was not an issue in Egypt, where they were guaranteed food and other necessities. But the desert wilderness was hostile and unforgiving, and survival was an art. Desert nomads needed to understand the wilderness in order to stay alive; they had to learn, among other things, how to protect themselves from the weather, where to find water and pasture, and how to prepare scarce food, or live primarily from what their livestock could provide them. So, the Israelites viewed every new problem they faced as life-threatening. Instead of looking back and taking comfort from God’s earlier miracles, they doubted God’s ability and willingness to help them
Exodus 16:3 – Amplified Version
Been there? Nah, me neither. Pfft. Ahem. Let’s continue.
Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying “I have heard the murmurings of the Israelites; speak to them saying, ‘At twilight you shall eat meat, and in the morning you shall be filled with bread; and you shall know that I am the Lord your God.’” So in the evening the quails came up and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a blanket of dew around the camp. When the layer of dew evaporated, on the surface of the wilderness there was a fine, flake-like thing, as fine as frost on the ground. When the Israelites saw it, they said to one another, “What is it?” For they did not know what it was. And Moses said to them, “This is the bread which the Lord has given you to eat.”
Exodus 16:11-15
A Fresh Word from God
I have heard and read these verses countless times, so I really thought I had this one memorized. If you grew up like I did, Sundays were an all-day church affair. We attended Sunday School before morning worship, and an hour-long “discipleship training” was held before the evening service. Wednesday nights were for youth group, and weeks during the summer were dedicated to church camp and vacation bible school. Trust me when I say I am familiar with this story. So familiar that at this point, I almost turned off the podcast. I wanted – needed – a fresh word from God, not another retelling of a story that had been illustrated on felt-boards throughout my entire childhood.
Imagine my surprise when the fresh word from God smacked me upside the head like a “throwed roll” at Lambert’s Cafe. Somehow, through every retelling of this story, I pictured the Israelites stumbling out of their tents that first morning to find a veritable sea of warm, buttery yeast rolls a la’ Texas Roadhouse. Time and time again, I skimmed over verse 15:
When the Israelites saw it, they said to one another, “What is it?”
Exodus 16:15
What Is It?
The word manna literally means, “What is it?” God’s provision for the Israelites should have been obvious, right? They asked for bread; God carpeted the desert with golden carbohydrate perfection as far as the eye could see. I mean, that’s what the pictures stuck to the felt board showed in Sunday School. So why the confusion, the perplexed brows? Because God’s provision did not look at all like they expected it to.
The manna was like coriander seed, and it looked like bdellium. The people went about and gathered it, and ground it in mills or beat it in mortars, and boiled it in pots and made cakes with it, and it tasted like cakes baked with fresh [olive] oil.
Numbers 11:7-8
Hmm. That doesn’t sound like Sister Shubert rolls. That sounds more like a friendship bread starter kit.
What Am I Supposed to Do With This?
The Bible does not tell us the name of the first Israelite to pick up the manna, shrug, and say, “Well, let’s see what we can do with this…” I suspect they are a direct descendent of the first person to figure out the chicken egg was edible. The Israelites would eventually use the manna to make the meals that would sustain them for forty years, but their first response was to question God’s provision.
If I’m being honest, sometimes that’s my first response, too.
I can hear the Israelites saying, “God, we asked you for bread. What are we supposed to do with this?”
That sounds awfully similar to, “God, I asked for strength to handle the stress of my job, and you’ve taken my sleep instead. I am at my limit, God. What am I supposed to do with this?”
Or, “God, you tell me you have plans for me, plans of prosperity and hope, and yet this year has been wave after wave of crushing disappointments and trials. What are you doing, God? What am I supposed to do with this?”
And, “God, where are you? If you can see me, and you can hear me, what am I supposed to do with this brokenness, this diagnosis, this roadblock, this pain?”
Oh, friend, I understand. My heart has cried these questions, even when my lips couldn’t form the words. He heard me; I know He did. And yet, the wilderness season remains.
First Things First
But what if… What if God’s provisions aren’t limited to what we see on the surface? There was more to the manna than what was first seen; the provision of God was brought forth, but first there was gathering and grinding and boiling.
Is it possible for the same to be true for us? Is it possible for each step through the wilderness to bring forth unexpected blessings from above, but first there may be gathering and grinding and boiling? I never imagined saying this, but I think it’s not only possible, I think it is highly probable. Not because God is a sadist, dishing out pain and trials in the name of bringing beauty from ashes. But because God’s provisions are not sent for our comfort, but for His higher purpose.
He fed you manna in the wilderness, [a substance} which your fathers did not know, so that He might humble you [by dependence on Him] and that He might test you, to do good [things] for you at the end.
Deuteronomy 8:16
He humbled you and allowed you to be hungry and fed you with manna [a substance] which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, so that He might make you understand [by personal experience] that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.
Deuteronomy 8:3
God’s Purpose, Not My Pleasure
Not gonna lie, I prefer the felt-board version of God’s provisions. I prefer to receive blessings from God that increase my personal comfort and decrease my worries, anxiety and stress.
I prefer for the blessings of God to serve my selfish purposes.
However, if I bring my circumstances into focus through this new lens – that the provisions of God are for His purpose and not my pleasure – then I have to see that He has more for me than just a season in the wilderness, a season of insomnia.
In all fairness, as I type this, I am still coming to terms with what those purposes might be. I suspect that God is teaching me that I cannot do it on my own. That I need His supernatural power for every step I take, not the human power I receive from a good night’s sleep.
Finding God in the Wilderness
Just as the Israelites were given just enough manna for a single day’s nourishment, I see the work of the Holy Spirit carrying me through with just enough energy to meet the demands of each day. There is simply no other explanation; I was not created to thrive on four or five hours of interrupted sleep… and yet, here I am.
And without a doubt, I have drawn closer to the God who sees me in my struggles, the God who hears my grumblings about His provisions, and the God who still patiently provides exactly what I need, in the exact quantities and in the exact form that I need them. Even in the wilderness. Especially in the wilderness.
Pastor Dharius Daniels, Elevation Church on YouTube: “I Didn’t See That Coming.”